…and the rewards that come after…

Hello again friends, how are you all?

I thought it was time for a little self-reflection — especially as I keep stopping and starting and making excuses along the way. My mind hasn’t been at its best. I’m still processing loss. But I’ve also learned a lot from grief.

1. Grief spending is real.

And honestly, you might not even notice it happening.

Everyone grieves differently, and for me? It started with buying things for everyone but myself. I just wanted people to be happy — that’s when I feel whole. There were the natural expenses too: travel, petrol, motels. On top of that, I wanted to do something nice for my mum. Then somehow, a tattoo was booked. And today… I got another piercing.

It’s been a month and a half. I’m still grieving. Good days, bad days, and probably time to hide my bank card.

2. Ups, downs… and nothing.

Sometimes the feeling is just: nothing.

Hollow. Still. Like there’s a silence inside you. With BPD, this kind of emotional whiplash isn’t new — but layer it with grief, and it can knock the wind out of you.

So I keep going: smiling at work, keeping the mask up, trying not to let it slip. Because once it slips, the cracks start showing. And when they do, I scramble to fix it. Because I have to keep going.

There’s paperwork. A mountain of it. Possessions to sort, companies to call, emails to answer. There’s no space to pause — until there is, and then I crash. Burnout. Nothing brings relief, not even my usual comforts. Gaming? No. Cross stitch? Nope. Diamond art? My cats would eat it.

So what do I do? All three at once, obviously.

3. Maybe I’m chasing the high.

Like a kid with Pokémon cards, hoping for that perfect pull. That hit of serotonin. Maybe that’s why the tattoo didn’t feel like enough, why I got a piercing the week after.

Maybe I just want to feel something.

At this point, I don’t know if this post even makes sense. It’s just a soup of words tumbling from a tired, grieving mind. But if nothing else — I’m still going. Maybe not always gracefully, maybe with extra ink and a shiny bit of metal, but I’m still moving forward.

And maybe that’s enough.

So for now, it’s back to the ever-growing mountain of paperwork, emails, and half-finished projects — but not without another cup of tea. Wish me luck. 🍵

PS: If you’ve ever felt this kind of heavy, you’re not alone. If you’re struggling, reach out — to a friend, to support lines, to yourself with a little kindness. I’ll be adding links to Samaritans and Mind below.

And if you ever want to support One Brave Day with a small gesture (or a cup of tea), here’s my Buy Me a Coffee ☕ link.

MIND

SAMARITANS